Cherry Picking

I recently remembered a scene from “Father of the Bride,” one of my favorite wedding movies. Steve Martin’s character, George Banks, has a problem. His daughter’s wedding is costing a fortune, so he decides they’ll invite whomever they want to the ceremony. “Pack ‘em in,” he says. But then he limits the number of guests attending the reception. I always thought this was a reasonable option until I brought it up among friends who’ve had weddings. Their responses quite surprised me.

My friend Katherine did just the opposite–opting for a small ceremony with just family and close friends. But she had always dreamed her reception would be a huge party with tons of people. So that’s exactly what she had. “I think people had more fun,” she explained to me when I wondered whether her guests felt miffed at being excluded from the ceremony. “A lot of my guests seemed relieved. Most people don’t want to sit through a whole wedding. They come for the party.”

Katherine made a good case. I was beginning to see the beauty in an intimate ceremony followed by a packed and raucous party. But I wondered whether all guests would feel comfortable with this arrangement.

Just then Erica chimed in (all of whose guests attended both her ceremony and reception). “I like the idea but I wouldn’t do it,” she confirmed, “If you’re important enough to go to the reception, you’re important enough to witness the wedding.”

I am inclined to agree. I’d have a hard time picking which guests would get the whole shebang and which would get only half. While Katherine’s guests seemed to like the arrangement, others might not. “As a guest, if I had to choose, I’d rather go to the reception, but I’d feel insulted if had not been invited to both,” Erica pointed out. “But I definitely think it’s ruder to invite someone to the ceremony and then not allow them to join in the festivities afterward.” Erica’s last comment stayed with me. Had George Banks, best dad in the world, gotten it wrong? Was it colossally rude to invite guests to the ceremony and not the reception? Or is it a common practice? I left the debate completely confused. Does modern etiquette dictate that either of these solutions is acceptable? And, if so, is one more polite than the other? Is it nicer to include guests in the fun-filled celebration or the enchanting moment you become husband and wife?

How many of you, dear readers, have been in this situation as a bride or guest? What are your thoughts?

Carla Gonzalez-Hart

(photo credit: benjhaisch)

April 11th, 2009 by admin | Posted in Ceremony and Vows | (0)